A winking, smiling emoticon

by Smilophile

This is a public announcement that I have recently become an adherent of the religion of the yellow smiley-face. A core tenet of our faith is that any depiction of an image of the yellow smiley-face is the height of sacrilege, the worst possible moral depravity. Therefore, I now expect all of you to cease and desist from ever using yellow smiley-faces, because it deeply, deeply offends me. (Personally, I am completely against violence, but you never know what other yellow smiley-face adherents might do. Don’t provoke them. If you do, it’s *your* fault, you bring it on yourself.)

My religion sounds crazy to you? Hate speech! How dare you, you hater! Are you yellow-smiley-face-ophobic? Can’t you respect my religion? (And by ‘respect’ I don’t mean merely remaining silent with a smirk on your face while allowing me the political freedom to worship as I see fit; I mean I want you to show deep, serious attention and consideration to my religion, and treat it with the same seriousness that I do. In fact, I demand it.)

What’s that? The yellow-smiley-face is just a harmless, meaningless image to you? Amusing, even? Don’t *provoke* me, you insensitive jerk! Why would you go out of your way to use a yellow-smiley-face when you *know* it offends me? WHY? Why would you do that? Why can’t you just cow yourself into submission to my completely irrational, completely groundless demands?

You’ve never heard of a religious prohibition against the depiction of a yellow smiley-face? Cultural imperialist! Get out of your shell of Western ‘privilege’, and start informing yourself about all the different idiotic, nonsensical things that people all over the world believe, so you can stop offending us! You racist bigot! (Yes, I’ve decided that my religion is also a “race”. It turns out that this set of ideas that I’ve adopted is actually deeply rooted in my DNA. And if that makes no sense to you STOP OPPRESSING ME!)

Thank you for your attention. I now expect the full support of CNN, the NYT, and all other media outlets to roundly condemn and vilify any of you who dare to mock me or provoke me by using the yellow smiley-face.